Convincing Eric
by YAbookNerd11
Summary: A new transfer leaves Eric and the other Dauntless leaders feeling a little on edge. When tasked with keeping an eye on the new initiate, Eric finds himself getting entirely too involved than he feels comfortable with. Rated T for language. I will probably write a M one as well, and will upload if requested
1. Chapter 1

She lands with a soft thud and a big smile. Grabbing the outreached hand of a handsome Dauntless man, she easily rolls from the net, sending the boy a sly wink over her shoulder. Four, clearly surprised, actually chuckles. The girl jogs over to the group of other Dauntless initiates and high fives a few people before turning to watch the next person jump.

I raise a ringed eyebrow from the shadows. All I can see from where I hide is a flash of Erudite clothing, and a blush rise into Four's cheeks. Generally, the middle jumpers aren't anything special but anyone who can catch my adversary so off-guard is worthy of my interest. And an Erudite girl… intriguing. I start to shift my position slightly, still not willing to alert the others of my presence, but intent on seeing this transfer's face.

As I slide around the room, another Erudite transfer lands and I manage to catch a glimpse of his face. I vaguely recognize him and have to stop to try and recall the name. Will, was it? His sister Cara was in my classes at school, but we never got along. She was the epitome of Erudite; incredibly intelligent, but also brash and some would say, kind of a bitch. I worry for a moment that he might recognize me but the fear lasts only a second; my appearance has changed so drastically since I left my old faction that there hasn't been a transfer yet to make the connection.

A few minutes later, the last transfer lands and I find that I've reached the end of my safety net of shadows, still unsuccessful at discovering the identity of the Four-blush-inducing girl. I lean back against the stone, surveying the profiles of my new initiates. Twenty. Not bad. Out of habit I scan the clothing of the transfers. Four from Erudite stand out in their blue clothing. I'm honestly not sure why I still care; I knew two transfers last year but we never got along before Dauntless so I chose to ignore them. Hell, I'll probably do the same to these four.

I run a hand through my hair and quickly find the exit before the crowd turns to leave, making my way up to Max's office to await his arrival.

* * *

By the time I leave Max's I am furious. I come to get a report on the new initiates that _I_ am overseeing and all he can do is talk about _Four._ Stupid fucking Four. Who gives a fuck if Four hasn't been around? I'm here, aren't I? I'm the one taking the initiative, making connections, working my networking skills, building my way up the Dauntless leadership ladder. And here this little asswipe is, getting fawned on by every Dauntless leader like he's our little golden boy.

I crack my neck from side to side to release some of the tension and actually take a deep breath before entering the cafeteria. I have to learn to keep my emotions under control or else they're going to fuck me over.

Nothing makes me feel better than the hush that follows whenever I enter a room. I feel empowered. I pretend to ignore the sideways glances and whispers but I am reveling in it. I spot Four quickly, sitting at a table with a group of initiates. Jesus, he is too soft for this job. I take a deep breath and plaster that smile I know makes others uncomfortable. At least I can toy with the new initiates soon, that'll take some of the stress off.

I plop down next to him and my heart skips a beat. The Erudite girl; I do know her. I recover quickly. "Well, aren't you going to introduce me?" I ask Four, trying my best to be nonchalant.

"This is Tris and Christina," he responds, nodding to the two girls beside him.

No you fucktard, I'm talking about the blonde bombshell across the table from you, obviously. As the thought runs through my head, she seems to sense my look and turns to catch me staring at her. Inwardly, I freeze, but she only keeps my gaze for a moment before going back to her conversation.

Of course she doesn't recognize me, why would she? I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding and turn back to the two girls next to Four, who look absolutely terrified of me. A Stiff. Awesome. She's going to be fun to break.

Soon after my conversation with Four, I'm winding my way through the Dauntless hallways with a flock of transfers at my heels. They don't even know me yet and they're already too afraid to speak in my presence. The thought actually makes me smile. When I finally turn to face them with their dormitory door behind me, almost every eye glances away. Good. Tris, the Stiff, is staring intently at her feet. A large kid I don't yet know is looking at the back of another initiate's head. Even Peter, a mean-looking boy in Candor clothing is staring just over my shoulder to avoid making eye contact. And then there's the Erudite girl. Glaring at me with a small curve on her lips and boredom in her eyes. She once again catches me off guard.

As I discuss the dorm, rules, and rankings, I try my best to act as uninterested in the initiates as I actually am, picking at my nails and doing my best "cold-death-stare" whenever one of them braves a glance in my direction. I'm almost giddy with power. By the time that dumb-ass Molly opens her mouth to protest our _unfairness_, I've almost completely forgotten about the Erudite. My eyes linger on her for just a moment as they file past me into the dorm.

I turn quickly on my heels and head directly to Max's office. I have been jumping at the bit to get to him the second I sat down at Four's table and noticed those striking blue eyes staring back at me.

Shut up, Eric! I scold myself. Now is not the time to get caught up in old memories.

When I finally reach the top of the stairs, I'm faintly out of breath. Even someone in the best of shape gets a little winded running around this place. I push his door open without knocking and interrupt him in what looks like a serious conversation with Four.

"Get out," I order, glaring at my nemesis.

He rolls his eyes at me, but stands to leave, unwilling to start a fight. Max stands too, irritated at my outburst. "Eric. Four and I were in the middle of something."

"This is more important, I guarantee," I respond, tapping my foot impatiently.

"And what's so important that it can't wait for us to finish this conversation?"

"It's about the new initiates. A transfer."

Four raises and eyebrow. Crap. Of course he's going to be interested now. "If it's about my new initiates, then maybe it's something I should know."

I seriously thought I could burn a hole right through him with the stare I send in his direction. He regards me coolly, completely unfazed by my scare tactics.

Max actually has the gall to laugh. "Ok, put the rulers away you two." Four flinches. That damn Abnegation frigidness never really left him. I smirk.

"Fine, whatever, I don't give a fuck." I throw my hands up in exasperation to further my point. Four sits down again and stares at me expectantly. I pace momentarily. Maybe I shouldn't bring this up. I stop suddenly. "I think we have a problem with one of the transfers," I start, considering the best way to phrase this.

"Which one?" Four asks, picking at a hole in his pants.

"Cassidy Matthews, Jeanine Matthews daughter."


	2. Chapter 2

At my words, Four's eyes fly to mine, and I'm relieved to see the same confusion and slight alarm I feel reflected there. Max's exasperated sigh makes us both turn to him. He sits in his chair and scratches at the back of his head.

"Yeah I know," is his only response.

I pause. "You know? You know and you didn't feel like it was important to mention?" I ask, my anger rising.

"It's not important," he counters calmly. "She _was_ Erudite. She _was_ Jeanine's daughter. And now, she is a Dauntless initiate. Nothing more, nothing less."

I'm shocked. "How can you say that? The leader of Erudite's own flesh and blood transferred! Transferred HERE. Right before the-" I stop at Max's narrowing eyes. I forgot Four was still in the room. "I mean, look at what happened when _Tobias_ transferred," I sneered.

Another eye roll from Four. "You know, it might not be such a bad thing," he answers. "I mean yeah, Jeanine is a rough character to deal with, but I can't imagine it's going to hurt our relations with Erudite all that much. She's much too intelligent to let her emotions take any part in her business dealings."

"I'm not worried about that," I say through gritted teeth, catching Max's eye.

Four looks confused, as he should be.

"You know, Four, I think I'm going to have to chat with Eric alone. I'm sorry I didn't make you aware of the situation especially since…" he trails off. The Dauntless aren't known for their subtlety and it angers me even more that he's tiptoeing around the topic to avoid hurting poor little Four's damn _feelings._ "Especially since you have experience in that area. But, I don't think it will have any effect on this training class OR our relationship with the Erudite. I think she needs to be treated like any other Dauntless initiate should be treated."

Understanding his dismissal, Four stands, nodding his head. "Yeah, I agree. Of course," he responds. He leaves without a goodbye. Good. Fuck him.

As soon as the door closes I turn on Max. "What are we going to do about the simulation?" I blurt.

His eyes darken. Shit, he's pissed. "You need to watch your fucking mouth Eric. All we need is a whistle blower like Four to find out what we're up to and this whole thing ends."

I sigh and fall into a chair heavily, running a hand over my face. "I know, I know. I'm just… There's a lot going on. I don't understand why we have to start the stimulation this fast, before initiation is even really over. I'll hardly have any time to prepare before we have to start-"

"You don't have to worry about the stimulation anymore," Max cuts me off.

My heart stops. "I what?"

He rubs the spot on his forehead I've come to recognize as a sign of his stress. These Dauntless are so easy to read. "Jeanine is pushing back the stimulation. Until further notice."

It takes me a solid thirty seconds before I can find the breath to speak. "Because of her daughter?"

He shrugs and leans back. "She's saying it's because they're having a problem with the serum, but we've had positive results so far so I'm having a difficult time believing her." He shakes his head. "She hasn't brought up her daughter but from what I understood, they weren't exactly close to begin with."

"No, they weren't," I answer before thinking.

Max turns his head to the side, studying me. "Did you know Cassidy back at Erudite?" he asks, a hint of accusation in his voice.

"Of course not," I respond. And I really didn't. But how do you not know the face of the leader of your faction's daughter? "She lived two doors down from me before Jeanine took power. Jeanine wasn't the most… caring… of mothers."

"Meaning?"

How do I answer this without spilling this girl's secrets? "I mean, Cassidy was a pretty wild kid. Could never sit still. Never did well in Erudite. She was incredibly intelligent though; I mean like exceptional even for Erudite. But none of that interested her. She was always getting into trouble everywhere she went; fist fights, mouthing off to authority figures, and just general recklessness... I swear that girl was always covered in bruises. Jeanine was a rising power at the time, and eventually the Erudite leader. It doesn't reflect well on someone in such a high place to have such an unruly daughter. She didn't handle it very well." I pause. "Thinking on it now, I don't know why Jeanine was surprised Cas didn't stay."

Max is tapping a finger on his desk as I talk but raises an eyebrow as the nickname slips. "She was apparently fairly convinced she would. Her face at the Choosing Ceremony… Eric, you should have seen it. It was like every ounce of blood drained from her face through her feet. I thought she was going to pass out she was so shocked."

I shake my head. In the years since Cassidy and Jeanine moved, I had forgotten how turbulent their home life was. After Jeanine took power, Cassidy seemed to calm down immensely. I assumed she had finally realized her role in Erudite and had started to take responsibility. Granted, I only saw her on occasion after they left, Cas was two years younger than me after all. Perhaps things never got better for her. I inwardly shuddered.

"Well what are we going to do?" I finally ask.

"I want you to keep an eye on her."

My heart pounds in my chest. "What happened to treating her like any other Dauntless initiate?"

"Seriously Eric? I said that just to get Four out of here. She is absolutely NOT like any other initiate. I don't even know if she is an initiate."

"What do you mean by that?"

Max sighs. "I mean, I don't trust Jeanine as far as I can throw her. And I wouldn't put it past her to send her daughter in as an Erudite spy."

Is he seriously stupid? "Max. You said yourself that Jeanine looked like she was gonna pass out... she had no idea."

Max shrugs and looks conflicted. "Jeanine isn't stupid. She can play any part given to her. I'm not saying that this Cassidy girl isn't legit, but I'd feel more comfortable if I had my best guy keeping an eye on the situation."

He's says it with such conviction that I almost believe him. I mean, I believe his bit about Jeanine, but the way he says _my best guy_… I know he's just trying to pull me into his game. Doesn't help that I fall for it every time. I feel myself sit up straighter as he speaks, eager to help in any way I can.

My enthusiasm at his words disgusts me.

"So you think you can do that for me, Eric? Keep an eye on little Matthews and make sure she's not here to cause any trouble?"

"Yes." No hesitation. "Of course I can. I'll report any findings directly to you."

Max smiles widely. "Great. I knew I could count on you, Eric."

I leave with all intentions of heading back home. Tomorrow is the first day of training and I had better get some rest tonight. Even as the thought is running through my head, I find myself wandering down to the pit and away from my apartment. A drink or two will do me some good.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I haven't figured out how to respond to reviews yet, so thank you! Also, no, I didn't steal the name, but I can change it if it makes you feel better. Lastly, I haven't read the first book in 2 years so excuse any straying from the story line!**

So a drink or two turned into four or five… okay, maybe it turned into nine… or ten… or… I don't even know. What I do know is that my head is exploding. The light of the sun streaming through the windows is enough to make me want to scratch my eyes out. But it's the first day of training, and I have a job to do.

I struggle my way down to the cafeteria, intent on keeping my word to Max. If I don't have the simulation to work on, I've gotta keep my mind busy on something else. Cas… er… Cassidy, will be a good distraction.

I make my rounds through the room, nodding hello's and making the occasional stop at a table of important people, eventually working my way over to Four's table where the initiates have once again flocked.

"Sup Four?" I ask as I sit, immediately starting to load my plate up.

His fork stops halfway to his mouth, a splash of syrup landing on the table. "Um… Nothing?" he responds, still staring at me.

"Excellent, excellent," I'm being purposefully obtuse, I know. But I need a reason to stay close to the transfers, and Four is the perfect excuse. I still can't help annoying him a little bit though.

He lifts his fork to his mouth and chews thoughtfully and I continue plowing through my breakfast, ignoring the nausea creeping up my esophagus. He'll break eventually. I just have to wait him out.

"So?" he finally blurts out. I lift my eyes up and feign confusion.

"So…?"

He drops his fork to his plate and does his darkening blue eye glare that makes all the Dauntless girls swoon. Thank God I don't have a vagina. "So why are you sitting here?" he asks through clenched teeth.

"What?" I ask with a small laugh. "Two friends can't enjoy a meal together?" I flash a smile, pop my eyebrows up for a second, and continue eating.

Four sighs deeply but says nothing more. After a while, I feel I've waited long enough to start glancing around the table. Most of the transfers look exhausted. Their first night away from home probably left them tossing and turning all night, spending more time crying than sleeping. I know I did. And most of the other transfers in my class. It's a scary thing, leaving behind everything you know and starting a new life. I don't blame them for their tears, but I still judge them for it.

I don't know half of initiates but I'm not surprised to see that Clarissa looks fairly refreshed, if not a little groggy. I study her from the corner of my eye. She's not talking to any of the other Erudite, which again, doesn't surprise me. I didn't want to have any connection with my old faction when I transferred- didn't' talk to any of the other Erudite transfers during initiation, and still don't today. She probably wants a clean break. That makes me feel a little better about her intentions; at least she isn't working with any other cohorts.

I do find it interesting that today she's sitting with the Candors, especially since this group seems particularly ruthless. It's still early in the game, but it doesn't seem like she's chosen a particular group to settle into yet. I just hope it's not with that loudmouth Christina and her annoying Stiff friend.

I'm so lost in thought that I don't notice my table is getting up until Four nudges me with his elbow. "You coming to oversee training today, _buddy_?" he asks sarcastically.

"Of course, _pal,_" I answer with a smile. "I'll be there after lunch to watch the combat training. Don't let them shoot each other during target practice Four, or else I'm going to have to keep a better eye on you." I pat him a little too hard on the back before heading out to the library.

People always seem surprised when they hear Dauntless has a library. Of course we do. We may not be Erudite, but we have to get research done as well. Granted, our research is mostly about war tactics, fighting methods, tattoo designs, or something along those lines, but it's research all the same. My current task: to find out what's going on with Jeanine Matthews.

* * *

I leave the library with a bit more knowledge in my pocket than I came in with, and that makes me feel like my afternoon was well spent. Even after two years in Dauntless, my Erudite background creeps up on me every now and again.

I already knew quite a lot about Jeanine and her daughter from before I left, but the past two years have been a blank. From the articles I've managed to dig up about the recent past, Cassidy had really taken to her new role as a future Erudite leader. She seemed so incredibly calm and collected in every report I read, nothing like the wild little girl I knew growing up. It just didn't make sense that she would switch factions when her future was already so guaranteed.

And the reporters were not as keen to exploit that fact as I would have thought.

Lately, big-name faction transfers have become something of a trending topic among these reporters. Four leaving was only the tip of the iceberg; there were now even articles on the Abnegation leader Andrew Prior and the questionable loss of BOTH his children in the last Choosing Ceremony. I'm sure a lot of it was slander planted by Jeanine but her own daughter's transfer was hardly a blip on their radar. Jeanine would do anything to keep the negative publicity away from her. I wonder who she had to bribe to hide something this big.

I'm still pondering this question when I walk into the combat training room. The transfers are all hard at work practicing their new moves while Four watches over them, throwing the occasional correction at them. I walk over and cross my arms across my chest, enjoying the way it makes my biceps bulge. It's hard not to search her out in the crowd.

"How are the new initiates doing, Four?"

"Fine. Keeping up, learning quickly. Of course there are always a few who struggle."

I lean over so I can whisper in his ear. "Is Cassidy Matthews one of those who struggle?" I ask, trying to sound nonchalant.

Four studies me for a moment before answering. "She goes by CJ actually. And no, she is definitely _not_ struggling. She's probably one of the best we have." Four seems intrigued by this fact, but he doesn't elaborate.

"Why do you sound so surprised?" I ask, maybe a little too sharply.

Four shrugs. "She's a girl for one." I snort. "I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but you have to admit that historically, the girls struggle more with hand to hand combat." He's right of course. He pauses to watch a particularly brutal takedown. "And she's from Erudite," he finishes absently.

I'm sure it's just my hatred for Four, but my anger flares wildly. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

He glances at me sideways and I swear I almost slug him right there. "With the exception of Edward, who has been studying hand to hand combat since he was ten, the _Erudite_," he says, looking me up and down to ensure I knew he was referring to me as well, "tend to be small, uninterested in combat, and ten thousand times more likely to get a paper cut from reading the dictionary then a busted nose from a fight. It's obvious she's done this before."

I nod absently as he waits for me to confirm or deny this. I don't. Finally, he sighs deeply and walks away.

God I hate him.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for the feedback y'all! I really appreciate any and all comments. This is my first time publishing something like this, so I want to make sure it's not garbage. PM me if you find any mistakes or anything too! Grammar errors drive me crazy :) **

It's an uneventful evening on the Dauntless compound. I wander around the training room for another hour or so, yelling at initiates as I see fit. I should be feeling awesome now; intimidating initiates is probably my favorite activity. But mostly I'm just bored.

I paid as much attention to my little target CJ as I could without getting noticed and Four was right, she is pretty good.

As I watch her and her partner drill some simple combinations, I'm impressed with her speed and ferocity. She has an uncanny ability to place a punch in the exact spot her opponent least expects it. It's like she can see which way they're going to move before her partner does. I'm sure her Erudite brain is working a mile a minute at every turn, calculating the possible outcomes of each situation and weighing them against her options in the fraction of a second it takes to complete a move. I understand how her background can make her so much more advanced than other faction transfers; it's how I did so well in my training classes. What surprises me though is the speed at which she can work through those equations; that kind of agility doesn't come from studying, it comes from practical experience. Four was right to assume she's fought before.

Even with all those skills at her disposal, her stance is awkward and off-balance and her general performance is sloppy. She may be able to beat the inexperienced fighters easily, but the second she goes up against anyone with any sort of skill, they're going to seek out those weaknesses and destroy her.

"Time!" I call to the two girls in front of me. CJ turns to me and actually has the gall to look irritated that I stopped them. That little bitch. I stare her down while I speak to her partner, a Candor girl I don't care to learn the name of. "You, over there," I say, pointing a few feet off, not taking my eyes of CJ. She folds her arms in front of her and it takes every ounce of will I have in me not to send her flying right there. But I control myself; there is a lesson to be learned. My jaw tenses and relaxes as I fight off my anger.

"You think you're pretty good at this huh?" I ask as coolly as I can manage, even picking at a scab on my knuckles to further prove my indifference.

"I AM good at this."

"So it would appear. But going against some weak idiot without an ounce of fighting experience in them is _easy_," I say slyly. "Why don't we try something hard?" I raise an eyebrow in challenge.

She rolls her eyes but agrees. "What do you have in mind?"

Instead of giving her the satisfaction of an answer, I set my stance up and face off with the little smart-ass. I revel in the fear that lights up in her eyes for a fleeting moment before her face hardens.

"You're twice my size," she finally states.

"And? You think you won't ever have to go up against someone bigger than you in the streets? Do you think if you're defending the fence and it gets attacked, your enemy will pause, apologize, and go find someone a little closer to your size to take his place? Don't be an idiot and get in a stance." She hesitates. "If you're as good as you think you are, this shouldn't be a problem."

She clenches her teeth but does as she's told. A sense of calm washes over me as we faceoff, this is where I'm most comfortable, THIS is my domain. She starts to shift around me to try and find an opening and I can't help but smile ruthlessly as she dances in and out. She knows I'm waiting on her to strike first. I can practically see the wheels turning as she circles, calculating percentages and possible outcomes every step of the way.

I am still. I am composed. I am the matador and she is the bull. Charge little bull, charge.

And she does, exactly when I expect her to. She steps in with a careless jab that I parry easily. She's quick to follow it up with a hard cross and a left hook. I anticipate the basic combo and back away with plenty of space. I can see her irritation growing.

Dance for me little bull.

She once again tries to close the distance, this time faking an overhand and diving for my knees, a definite weak spot for a man of my stature, yes, but I've already seen her tell and anticipate both moves once again. She actually growls as she recovers from her failed shot and stands up to face me once again.

The next time she comes in at me, I can't help but laugh. She's all anger and frustration, rearing an arm back to wind up a punch as she charges in. The ease in which I ride her cross and kick her feet out from under her has to be getting on her nerves. Instead of attacking while she's down, I wait.

"Up," I growl, but she's already on her feet, ready.

She's back to thinking again. Circling around me and faking shots that I don't even flinch to. I'm starting to get bored, and I tell her so.

"Let's go, initiate. Unfortunately for you former Erudites, you can't actually think me to death."

Her eyes narrow. "Then why don't you make the first move?" she asks without pausing her constant motion.

I smile wickedly. "Trust me sweetheart, you wouldn't survive me making the first move."

That 'sweetheart' comment really got her going. She comes in again, fists flying chaotically. It's actually a little harder to anticipate strikes this random, but again, I'm here to make a point. So I cover and pretend she's getting a piece of me while I wait patiently for her to try to take me down… again. And she does. She is so fucking predicable.

A smile of triumph crosses her face for half a second as she stands above me before she realizes this was my plan all along. I'll give it to her- the girl is pretty observant.

Not observant enough to notice before I wrap both my hands around her ankles, and pull her feet out from under her in a back sweep. I follow the motion and continue until I am kneeling above her, one knee on either side of her slight body and my left arm bone crushingly tight across her throat. Her hands start pawing at my arm immediately in a desperate fight to free herself.

But I'm not done yet.

"Initiates!" I shout to gather the attention of the room. When I look up however, they're all already crowded around and staring at me, eyes wide as CJ struggles in vain to rip my arm from off her throat.

Four looks positively livid.

"Let this be a reminder to all of you. You are initiates, you are nothing. You are no longer a part of your old factions, and you are not yet a part of ours. THIS is the Dauntless lifestyle. We do not ask for your perfection, but we do require your bravery. This," I say, looking down at the girl below me, "is not bravery."

Her movements are getting slower as her body starts to weaken from the strain. I'm still allowing a fair amount of air to flow through; I want her to stay conscious while I finish my speech of course, but I'm okay with the pain her lungs are feeling as they struggle to force a breath in. Her face is already a nice shade of red.

I hear a mumble from the crowd and my head shoots up. "What was that?" I ask, the menace apparent in my tone.

"I said, choking a girl half your size to death isn't brave," the Stiff repeats. She needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. I tuck that little comment away for future punishment but for now, this lesson is all about Cas. I mean Cassidy. No! CJ.

"I didn't say _I_ was being brave, Stiff_. I_ am teaching a lesson here. And it would be wise to pay attention." I glare over the heads of the other initiates as she sinks back into the crowd.

CJ is still struggling against my arm, her airflow restricted but still functioning.

"A human's brain can function for only minutes without oxygen. Right now I'm only putting about 75% pressure on her neck. But if I lean down just… like… this…" I say as I push my forearm in just a bit further, effectively cutting off her air flow completely. I pause for a moment and enjoy the rush of power I feel at holding another's life so delicately within my hands. I must be careful.

"When you lose 100% oxygen, you're body starts to shut down within seconds. First, you'll start to get dizzy." I look down at CJ. "Are you getting dizzy yet, initiate?" I smirk. She, of course, can't answer. "Next your body grows weak as your brain starts to shut down." Like clockwork, CJ's hands start to slow their scraping at my arms. "Soon your vision will start to fade, blacking out on the corners and working it's way in." I pause again, she needs a few more seconds of deprivation before the tunnel vision begins. I see it immediately as her eyes start to glaze over. "And finally, you black out completely, and you are utterly vulnerable to any enemy that may be present."

Her eyes are fluttering now. She has only seconds. "Eric," comes a stern warning from my left. I don't have to look up, I know it's Four. Just another 5 seconds… "That's ENOUGH," he says, louder. This time I do glance up, and glare, a reminder of who's in charge here. When I check back on CJ, I can see her light dimming. Yeah, that's enough.

I pull back right before she blacks out and CJ sits up, grabbing her throat with her hands as she wildly attempts to re-oxygenate her lungs. Her whole body shakes uncontrollably and her eyes are still unfocused and feral. A few initiates rush to her side but one stare from me has them backing off. "Four?" I ask calmly as I stand. He clenches his teeth but strides over, firmly pushing CJ back down and lifting her legs above her head to force some blood back in.

"The average human can go 4 minutes without oxygen before they get brain damage. Within 10 minutes you are unlikely to ever recover. After 15, you're a vegetable. If you somehow manage to survive that long, that is." The room is deadly quiet with the exception of CJ breathing harshly a few feet away. "After only 30 seconds of partial oxygen deprivation, most people become too weak to fight off their attacker. NEVER let it get to 30 seconds." I let my words sink in before I continue, pacing slowly in front of the initiates.

I know this is all petrifying for them, seeing someone slowly lose consciousness right in front of their eyes. For the Dauntless, this is almost pure entertainment. To this day my friends and I choke each other out for fun to see who could last the longest.

"Learning how to defend a choke is essential," I continue. "After you've experienced it, you're no longer afraid. You learn to keep calm and stay in control. You realize that putting your tongue on the roof of your mouth gives you 3 more seconds. And that tensing your throat gives you 2. You find all these little ways to hold out just a few seconds longer, and those few seconds, those tiny fractions of time you learned in training, can mean the difference between your life, and death."

I stop and stare at the initiates, debating for a moment if I should grace them all with experience of losing consciousness. Nah, that can be saved for another day.

I turn to CJ and see she is sitting up with Four's hand steady on her back. I'm unnerved by the flash of jealousy I feel course through me. I extend a hand to her, and she stares back at me like I'm insane. It only takes a warning rise of my eyebrows however, and her hand is firmly clasped in mine as I haul her up. "An experience that you may think is meaningless or even cruel now, can save your life later," I finish. I look at CJ.

"You're welcome," I add morosely.

**A/N Again: That chapter seemed insane, I know, but it's actually kind of an important skill for a fighter to learn how to stay calm in a choke. In a safe environment, getting choked unconscious once really does teach you how to defend it more efficiently and helps you no longer fear the loss of consciousness. I did this once when I was preparing for a fight, and it isn't nearly as scary as it would be if I thought Eric was trying to kill me :)**


	5. Chapter 5

I eat breakfast with Four again the next morning. Well, eating "with" might be a little bit of a stretch. It's more like we're both sharing the same space to consume the first meal of the day.

I get there earlier than I usually do, and ignore Four's glare as I once again sit across from him. We don't speak. As we eat, I wait impatiently for the rest of the initiates to arrive. I tell myself I'm here for research, that the only reason I'm suffering through Four's presence is so I can do the job Max assigned me, but I'm having a harder and harder time convincing myself. I really just want to see her again.

The worst part is, I don't even know why.

Yeah, she's beautiful, but I've been with hotter. Plus, I hardly even know the girl. Our most intimate interaction so far involved me attempting to choke her unconscious. Not the most romantic of first impressions. But the way her hips bucked under mine as she attempted to push me off, her frantic hands scrabbling at my own, her chest heaving to get air, the glazed over look she got right before…

I have to stop. It will not make this job any easier to be attracted to my target. Focus, Eric.

As I fight the intruding thoughts out of my mind, the object of my turmoil walks into the cafeteria. I study her as she stands in the doorway, chatting with Christina. I can spot a little light bruising around her throat, but overall, you can hardly see any signs of our bout yesterday. Thank God. I was actually getting a little worried that I hurt the girl. She approaches the table with much more confidence than I would expect from someone who could have been killed the evening before.

As she sits, she glances in my direction. "Eric," she nods in greeting.

I smirk. "CJ," is my equally formal response. She's trying to show everyone that I don't intimidate her, that I didn't scare the piss out of her yesterday. I know better. Just like I know that she's wearing her hair around her shoulders to hide the bruises or that she's keeping her head down just a little more than she did the morning before. I can see the way her eyes dart in my direction at any sudden movement; I can read her fear like it's written across her forehead.

She catches me staring but instead of turning away like I had done before, I smile broadly. Her eyes narrow and she goes back to picking at her muffin.

I forgot how much fun it is to intimidate someone so fully.

When I turn back to my own meal, I find Four glaring at me. "What?" I grumble, my mouth full of eggs.

"You know what."

"Whatever are you talking about dear Four?" I mock. I'm really not in the mood to deal with his morality bullshit today. Luckily he senses my awful mood and instead of further prodding, he simply stands up, and leaves the table. I sigh. He's such a girl sometimes.

I leave soon after Four and follow him to the training room. It's the initiates first day of fighting and I want to have a say in their matchups. When I arrive, Four has just begun sorting through their first rounds. I stand over his shoulder as he writes on the board. He starts with the weakest; the Stiff. When he begins to write an equally weak partner next to her name, I simply state, "No."

Another sigh. "Why?"

"Because we have an uneven amount of transfers and she needs to be reprimanded," I say.

"Why? Because she spoke up yesterday when you were trying to kill another initiate?"

I glare. "It was a lesson. CJ was in no danger of actually dying. And the Stiff needs to learn her place. I can't change her rankings, but I can prove a point." The less fights she has, the more weight they carry and the more likely she is to be cut.

He stares back at me for a while longer before he finally turns back to the board and erases the name. I continue to pace behind him while he continues. Al and Will. Christina and Molly. Edward and… "No," I say again.

Four drops the chalk in exasperation. "What now, Eric?" he asks.

"Edward with CJ."

He looks at me like I'm insane. "It's their first fights, we should match them up with people close to their levels. Edward's the best in the class, he'll kill her."

"That's not my problem. She needs to be made an example. Attitude towards leaders is unacceptable and will not be tolerated, no matter how special she was in her last faction. Pair her with Edward." He doesn't make a move to change the list. "Pair. Her. With. Edward," I repeat. He clenches and unclenches his jaw in a typical frustrated-Four move but he eventually writes 'CJ' next to 'Edward.'

Al and Will actually have a decent fight. They start off slow, but Al soon knocks Will to the ground with a hard punch to the jaw. First knockout of this initiate class goes to Albert. A few more fights pass, some uneventful and some amazingly brutal, but by the time Christina and Molly step up, I'm bored and irritated at the lack of natural talent and bravery with this group. I watch the girls' fight with only slight interest; they're both too hesitant and unwilling to hurt the other too badly. It only furthers my boredom and aggravation.

I'm actually getting nervous about the CJ-Edward fight. maybe I'm being a bit too rash. The guy is pretty spectacular, and he probably could kill her if he wanted. I just hope he has more restraint than I do. I'm so lost in thought that I don't even notice that Christina is on the ground until she shouts, "Stop! I'm done."

These damn transfer women! They're really starting to get on my last nerves. How many times do I have to make examples out of them before they learn their fucking lesson? It takes a lot to control my anger, but I do. Time for Christina to learn what happens to people who get on my bad side.

* * *

I break them for lunch after Christina manages to hang over the chasm for the full 5 minutes. Is it wrong that I'm a little disappointed that she succeeded?

If the initiates were afraid of me before, they're terrified now. They keep a 5 foot radius from me the entire walk to the cafeteria, not a single one daring enough to make eye contact. I stand in the door and watch them file in past, they push as far away from me as they can. I smirk.

I don't feel like sitting in this loud room with the scared shitless initiates and Four's barely restrained contempt, so I grab a burger and head back to my apartment. Some peace and quiet before the rest of the fights will do me some good.

I'm the first one back to the training room and for some reason that irritates me. Although lately, it seems like everything is getting under my skin. I tap my foot impatiently until I finally hear the loud chatter of the initiates returning from their lunch. I fold my arms and glare as they walk in until soon, every voice is quieted. "Enjoy that leisurely lunch?" I ask menacingly.

Four rolls his eyes and steps to the front of the room. "We're going to finish our matches for the day and then move on to practicing a few more combat moves that can help you with future fights. This is the time to ask me any questions you may have and to learn from the mistakes you made earlier today." He pauses to let his words sink in before continuing. "The last match we have for the day, is-"

"CJ and Edward," I cut him off. Four blinks and looks at me, irritated that I jumped the gun. But I want her to KNOW that I am the reason she's getting this hard fight. I want her to know that she is not yet forgiven. And from the daggers she's sending me, she has made that connection.

Edward steps forward first. "Wait, I have to fight a _girl?_" he asks incredulously.

I cock my head to the side. "Do you have a problem with that?"

"Well, yeah," he states bluntly. "She's a girl, she's weaker than me. Why don't I have a real opponent?"

CJ pushes through the crowd and shoves Edward with both hands. "Watch who you're fucking talking about like that," she growls.

I'm delighted at her response. This is going to be awesome. Edward turns and gives me a questioning look one more time. I shrug. "You heard the girl. We don't separate you based on any silly categories like _gender_ here in Dauntless. Our women are expected to be just as brave and ruthless as our men. Sometimes even more so." I smile to myself, thinking of my callous female friends. "We match you up based on who we think will challenge you the most in your fight. It just so happens that today most of those matchups involved the same sex." Lies. All fucking lies. We match them up with easy opponents the first day, and that usually leaves the girls with the girls and the guys with the guys. It takes some time before we can teach the girls to be as tough as their male counterparts, and they're not yet ready for the challenge.

"You two aren't special," I continue. "You just happen to match the most evenly." More lies.

The initiates exchange looks with each other and I'm just about to snap at CJ and Edward to get in the damn ring when CJ turns on her heels and walks in.

"You coming?" she calls over her shoulder. "Or are you too scared to lose to a girl?"

A few of the initiates laugh and Edward turns a shade of pink. I shake my head. Taunting an opponent so much stronger than you is NOT the smartest approach.

When they finally face off, I can see the determination on both their faces.

I find myself wishing that determination alone could win a fight.

CJ makes the first move, no surprise there. Edward anticipates her strike as easily as I do and he lands a hard elbow to her back. She grunts as she hits the ground but rolls away and stands. She's a little unnerved by the ease in which Edward took her down, but she recovers quickly. She slows it down and circles for a bit before making her next move, this time faking high and going low. She actually manages to get on the inside and wrap around for a takedown but Edward is just too strong for her. He resists her takedown and lands a hard knee to her chin. She falls back and is stunned just long enough for Edward to land a few kicks to the ribs.

By the time she recovers, Edward had already gotten enough licks in to have her limping. She circles away from his strong hand and I can tell she's lost her confidence. Her shoulders are pulled up too high with tension and her chin is tucked too low. Her left eye is already starting to swell and there's blood trickling from a split lip.

This is not going well.

Edward advances and CJ actually shrinks away. He senses her fear and attacks. He lands some punches to the chin but she covers the first few until he shovel hooks her hard in the liver. Her hands fall from her face and Edward takes the opportunity to elbow her across the nose. I swear I hear a crack and the amount of guilt that surges through my chest makes me uneasy. I've seen plenty of people get their nose broken; I don't know why this one bothers me so much.

CJ lets out a small scream for a fraction of a second before she catches herself and regains her composure. Her nose is absolutely gushing blood. Edward looks to me to check if he should continue.

All I want to do is end the fight. She can't take much more. But I can't. She needs to learn... right? I clench my teeth and nod. Edward looks almost as unnerved to continue as I do. He rolls his shoulders to release some tension and starts in on CJ.

Where she used to charge back at every advance by her opponent, instead she shimmies away. Edward fakes a right and CJ flinches so hard she almost ducks and covers. It actually physically hurts to see her shy away.

I want to shout some encouragement but I have to keep my mouth shut. I can't change the rules now; this ends when someone is unable to continue. I'm the one who made this matchup, it's my fault she's getting her ass beat so badly. I can't back down now. I cross my arms over my chest and push back on my heels. I just have to hope this ends soon.

I've never been grateful for an initiate to show some compassion before today. Instead of dragging this out and torturing her further, he knows exactly where he needs to hit to end this. I know if I was in his place when I was initiate, I would have continued toying with my opponent. But I'm a sadistic bastard, and Edward is not.

One punch to the temple and CJ hits the ground. Edward scratches the back of his neck, showing his unease. She's only out for a second, but it's enough to make my heart drop to my feet.

I've never felt so conflicted in my life.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Kind of a background story chapter, sorry, not a lot of action yet! Just wait though :) oh! And THANK YOU THANK YOU For all the comments and PMs, I really appreciate the feedback!**

I spend that night tossing and turning while this irritating feeling of _guilt_ threatens to strangle me. I don't understand it.

I had to put CJ up against a hard opponent today, I couldn't have her running around here thinking she was someone _special_ just because she's Jeanine Matthews' daughter. She had to learn that in Dauntless, what we say goes, no exceptions. There's no talking back, no snide comments and irritated looks. She needs to learn to follow along like the rest of us. Conform or get the fuck out.

Besides, I console myself, everyone will go up against a hard opponent. Everyone needs to learn what it feels like to get their ass kicked. I just feel kind of bad that she had to learn it on her first day.

I shake my head as if to rid myself of these silly thoughts. I'm here to do a job, not to make friends.

I skip breakfast the next morning and go straight to the training room to make the fight list. I switch it up today; lower ranked initiates verses higher ranks. I try to ignore the thought that I'm doing this to make myself feel better about yesterday.

I end up with CJ paired with Myra. It should be an easy fight for her; that Myra girl is awful.

I'm just finishing when Four walks in. I hear him stop a few feet behind me.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing, Eric?" he asks.

He is SO lucky the initiates aren't here to hear him talk to me like that. I stand up slow, calculated. "Excuse me?" I ask, my voice controlled.

Almost anyone else on the Dauntless compound would shit their pants right there. But Four just continues to glare. "I asked you what the fuck you were doing to my board," he repeats.

I take a few more steps towards him and he holds strong, not an ounce of fear on his face. "You better watch yourself Four, and remember who you're talking to."

He rolls his eyes. "Yes, I know. Eric, the Dauntless leader. But I'm in charge of training, and you're overstepping your bounds."

I cock my head to the side and smile. "Just trying to save you a little bit of work here Four," I say with faked cheerfulness. "If you think about it, I'm really just being a good friend."

His eyes narrow but he doesn't comment, instead choosing to walk around me and look at the board. He stares for some time. "Tris with Peter? Come on, Eric."

"I have all difficult matchups today," I say.

Four sighs and rubs his forehead and I know I've won this round.

The initiates trickle in slowly, one group at a time. I wait with bated breath to see CJ and the damage done. Almost every transfer has some sort of injury, whether it's small bruising from training or a black eye from their fight. Christina looks pretty brutal, a large bruise on the side of her face and a bit of a limp. The last person to enter the room is CJ, and my heart drops.

The space below her eyes are black and blue on both sides. Her nose was most definitely broken. I'm glad to see she took Four's advice and went to the hospital wing last night; her nose is freshly straightened and packed tightly with gauze. I feel for her; getting a broken nose straightened is more painful than the initial injury. She smiles and chats with her friends, even with the split lip.

She doesn't limp, and I'm grateful that her injuries probably look worse than they are. There are few Dauntless who make it their first year without at least a broken nose, if not a more serious injury.

Edward spots her from across the room and his eyes widen. CJ sends a smile his way, letting him know there's no harm done. He gives her a half smile back and nods. When her eyes land on me, however, the smile drops from her face and her anger shows through.

Hold on now. Why is she so forgiving of the guy who beat her face to a pulp and not me? I'm only doing my job. The look unnerves me but I avert my eyes to survey the rest of the initiates as Four starts naming rounds. I watch as each of their faces shows either relief at receiving an easy partner, or fear of their competition.

Most of the fights today end quickly. The obvious stronger fighter wins easily in almost every fight, except one. Fucking CJ. Always throwing me for a loop.

She steps up with Myra, who couldn't win a fight if she had another year of training. And though CJ hides it well, all I see from her is intense panic. One bad fight and she loses all her confidence? It should disgust me but instead I find myself concerned. Maybe I am going a little hard on her.

I know Max would approve; I have a feeling he wants CJ out.

But I see potential in her. She was slotted for a leadership position in Erudite, she already knows what it takes. If she can get her ranking high enough, _she's_ the one I want to offer a position to. But first, she has to get her shit together and win a fucking fight.

I growl when Myra throws a horrible punch and CJ only dodges away instead of countering with her own.

"Get on with it!" I yell. Myra jumps at my scream and CJ clenches her teeth together. This is by far the worst fight I have seen in the past two days.

They dance around each other throwing fakes and feigns for a few more minutes before I get irritated. "Stop!" I step up into the ring. "You finish this, and you finish this now. If I don't see one of you on the ground in the next two minutes, you're both out."

"Of Dauntless?" Myra asks. "You can't do that."

I turn on her and she shrinks away. "Watch me," I snarl. "Two minutes."

The look of pure hatred CJ gives me is outstanding. I smile meanly at her. "Worried about another repeat of yesterday Ceej?" I ask.

I wait for her bitchy retort, a roll of the eyes, a scorching glare, but I get nothing. She bites her tongue and turns back to face Myra.

Good, she's learning.

The second I step out of the arena, CJ attacks. I guess all she needed was a little encouragement, or perhaps a little anger. Myra manages to get a few hits in, but once CJ gets over her fear, she's a force to be reckoned with. I cross my arms across my chest and watch with feigned boredom. A minute later and Myra is on the ground, struggling to lift her head up from the mat. CJ wipes some blood away from her nose with the back of her hand and walks away, not looking back.

While Four checks in on Myra, I follow CJ to the water fountain. She takes a sip before leaning back against the wall to glare at me.

"That was lucky initiate, you almost lost to the worst fighter here. There's no coming back from that." I'm trying to be nice, I swear. I'm honestly not trying to start a fight. But she rolls her eyes at me and my anger flares.

"Right, Eric. Lucky for me that after two days of almost dying, I am somehow able to work up enough strength to win a fight," she says sarcastically.

I raise my eyebrows. "Didn't realize you were quite so dramatic, Erudite," I comment. She flinches at the reference to her old faction. "Perhaps if you put a little more effort into your training this wouldn't be an issue." I walk away before she can respond but of course, she hasn't yet learned how to keep her damn mouth shut.

"I train harder than anyone here," she barks.

I spin on my heels and give her an incredulous look. "Are you fucking serious right now?" I question. She seems torn between acting like her usual tough self and running away in fear. I take advantage of that moment of apprehension and stalk towards her, slamming my hands on the wall on either end of her head, trapping her in with my body.

She stares at me defiantly. "You, CJ, better fucking watch yourself."

"Or what, _Eric_?" she asks.

"Or you will be out on your ass, factionless. How do you think the little Erudite Princess will handle the streets huh? Because I don't think you'll last a day." I breathe heavily, my anger surging through every vein in my body.

"Fuck you," she says quietly.

I laugh, stunned. "You really are a piece of work. And I'm going to enjoy watching your face when you get kicked out of Dauntless."

She has the intellect to keep her damn mouth shut this time, and I stalk away, my anger hardly contained.

I swear, every time I start to feel for this girl, she does something absurd to make me hate her again. I'm getting dizzy from flying back and forth between revulsion and sympathy. I hate it. This girl is going to make me crazy.

* * *

So maybe I end up getting drunk in The Pit again that night. Whatever. Four's being a little bitch, I'm stressed out, and I'm irritated with my confusion over CJ. I watch the initiates fight for another hour or so, there aren't any bad injuries today except for the Stiff, who ends up knocked out cold and had to be brought to the hospital wing.

Soon after I'm stationed with a few buddies around the chasm. We drink right through dinner, which would probably explain why I'm wasted when the initiates wander in around 8pm. I comb through the faces trying so desperately to appear like they fit in, but I don't see her.

Maybe it's the booze that makes me so interested, but I'm suddenly eager to know why CJ isn't hanging out with her friends in the Pit. I make some lame excuse about needing to get some work done before training tomorrow and ditch my friends and stumble down the steps until I run into Peter. Peter reminds me a lot of myself when I was initiate, and I sense a lot of potential in him. Merciless, bold, and above all, exceedingly intelligent.

It's hard to stay intimidating when I'm this drunk. Besides, the initiates really shouldn't see me wasted. I'm pretty sure I'm playing it off fairly well but Peter still raises his eyebrows at me when I start talking. "What are you doing here, initiate?" I slur.

"Thinking of getting a tattoo. Any recommendations?" He's deceptively nonchalant. Granted, Peter is probably the transfer least afraid of me, but after the week we've had, I can't imagine he still doesn't have at least some misgivings.

"Talk to Frank. He did all my stuff. He's exceptional," I pause and he nods his head, surveying the room in front of him. "Where are the rest of the initiates?" I ask, trying my best to appear indifferent.

He glances at me. "Why do you care?"

I shrug and try to come up with a valid excuse. "I don't. Just curious as to who is fitting into the Dauntless lifestyle and who isn't. Obviously you aren't having any problems," I compliment. He accepts my bullshit reasoning and my play on his ruthless need to be Dauntless.

He studies me for a moment but I know I've manipulated him exactly where I want him. "Most of 'em are around here, getting tattoos, shopping, whatever. But that hot Erudite girl is MIA. Drew said he saw her like, crying in the training room or something." I raise an eyebrow. Although he's lying through his teeth, at least I'm getting my information. Having a snitch like Peter would be beneficial, and I have to stay on his good side so I slap him across the back and give his shoulder a squeeze.

"Tell Frank I sent you and he'll take care of you." And with that, I walk away.

My feet are taking me to training room before my head even realizes it. I'm drunk and I really shouldn't start anything right now, but I'm curious and want to know what CJ is up to. I tell myself I'm only going to look in on her and make sure she's not actually crying, though I'm fairly certain Peter was just saying that to make her appear weak.

Jesus, what do I do if she actually is crying? I've never really dealt with a girl _crying_ before. I stop so suddenly that two young Dauntless run into me. I turn around and glare. They mumble quick apologies before rushing down the hall.

I'm sure she's fine, I tell myself. She's tough. She's probably just getting some extra training in.

The noise of fists hitting the bag has never calmed me more. I step in soundlessly and watch as CJ throws punches in a flurry of anger and frustration. I've noticed the more irate she is, the better her fighting. I decide I need to just keep pissing her off before she has a round.

I lean against the wall and watch her for another fifteen minutes or so, drinking from the flask in my pocket.

Finally, I've got enough liquid courage in me to approach her. I stroll over slowly. "Cassidy Jeanine Matthews, what a surprise finding you here." My words are slow and mushy. She hesitates for only a fraction of a second before recovering.

"Eric I-don't-know-your-middle-name James. What a pleasure," she spits in between punches. My heart stops.

"Wait, you remember me?" I ask, surprised.

She sends me a glance over her shoulder before turning back to the bag. "Of course I remember you. We were neighbors for almost ten years, Eric."

This momentarily throws me off balance. I had been operating all this time under the impression that she had no idea who I was. Well shit.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I ask, confused.

She shrugs. "You didn't seem to want to acknowledge me, so I followed your lead." She stops and wipes the sweat off her forehead, careful to avoid her busted nose. She surveys me as she peels off her hand wraps which are stained lightly with blood. Why do I find that so hot? "Is this why you're being such a dick to me?" she finally asks.

I raise an eyebrow. She is still walking a fine line here. "I'm being a dick to you because you need to learn some respect," I say.

She turns around to grab her bag. "I have respect, Eric. I have respect for my fellow initiates, to the Dauntless leaders, to the way of life here… to Four…" she pauses to look at me. "I just don't have any respect for you."

She disappears through the heavy wooden doors before my alcohol-muddled brain has a chance to respond.


	7. Chapter 7

I don't get out of bed the next day until after noon; I have a hangover of epic proportions. After my interaction with CJ, I was pretty unhinged and decided another few rounds with my boys would fix it. I may have felt better last night, but man am I regretting it this morning.

I finally heave myself out of bed and into the shower, my feet dragging behind me. The warm water is soothing on my tight shoulders and I let out a long groan as it starts to loosen my back. I'm dreading heading out to the compound; I don't want to see CJ after I let her get away with speaking to me like she did the day before. Luckily Four has taken them to the fence today so I have another few hours before I have to worry.

My interactions with CJ are driving me crazy. I'm trying to be the threatening Dauntless leader I usually am, but some small protective part of me keeps trying to dig its way out. CJ and I were never friends in Erudite, but I know that growing up with Jeanine Matthews was hell for her.

My room shared a wall with their apartment, and from an early age I learned that not every family was as textbook Erudite as mine. Where my family would sit together and read in the family room after dinner, Jeanine would spend her time in the lab, leaving Cassidy home alone at a very young age.

I remember once my father smelled smoke coming from next door and had to break down the door to retrieve a petrified Cassidy who had been trying to make herself dinner and started a small kitchen fire. She played in my living room with my little brother while we waited for Jeanine to come home. Hours after the fire was put out and she was notified, she finally knocked on the door. Cas ran to her with tears in her eyes, her arms open for a hug. Jeanine just pinched her lips, grabbed her roughly by the upper arm, and dragged her out of our apartment.

That was the first night I heard Cas cry herself to sleep.

I put my hand up against the wall we shared, and wished I could reach through to her. After an hour of sobs, I heard Jeanine come in yelling about how loud she was being while she was trying to do her work. She beat her daughter into silence that night and many nights after.

I came home from an after school class very late one night when I was around 8 and found 6 year old Cassidy crying silently in the hallway. I hesitated. We are taught to be smarter than our emotions in Erudite, to push them aside and let our reasonable side control our sentiments. The only people I'd ever even seen cry before were my younger brother when he was a baby and a kid in school who broke his arm falling in the hallway. I wanted to help, but should I?

After so many nights of witnessing her abuse, I feel like I knew her much better than she knew me. Would it be weird if I went over? I considered the possible outcomes. I could pretend I don't notice her crying and just go into my apartment or I could be a nice person and check on her. Being nice was never something I was very good at. But I knew Jeanine would freak if she came back and saw Cassidy possibly bringing such negative attention to herself, so I sucked it up, and walked over, hoping I could calm her down before her mother came home.

I took a deep breath and sat down next to the crying girl.

"You okay?" I asked awkwardly.

She sniffled and looked up at me through her tangled locks. "I left my keys on the table and I locked myself out and I can't get inside and my momma is going to be home soon and she is going to be so mad." She started crying again so I put an arm around her shoulders, just like my dad does when my mom gets stressed out about a project. I jumped when she turned her head into my chest and snuggled her face in, her tears wetting my shirt. I pet her back uneasily, whispered soothing noises in her ear.

"It's okay Cas. It's alright. Calm down, I have an idea."

Finally the words got through to her and she gazed at me with hope in her eyes. "Really?" she asked.

"Really. Come on, let's try it." I stood up and pulled her with me. I dug through my backpack until I found a paper clip and knelt down in front of the door. My little brother had a bad habit of locking himself in the bathroom whenever I was babysitting him, so I learned quickly how to pick a lock. Luckily the apartments we were in were old and didn't have the sophisticated locking mechanisms the government buildings contained.

It took me a few tries, but soon I heard the click of the lock as it popped open. The door swung back and Cassidy squealed with glee. She wrapped her small arms around me tightly in a hug repeating "thank you" over and over again. I laughed and gently pushed her off me.

"It's fine Cas. I-" I faltered, "I don't want you to get in trouble with your mom."

She looked at me with eyes too mature for her age. "I'm trying really hard to be good," she said quietly.

I ruffled her blonde hair. "I know." I looked down the hall, it was getting late. "You should probably get to bed before your mom gets home." I stood back, allowing the formality of Erudite to sink back into our interaction. She nodded and held my hand for a moment.

"Thanks Eric," she whispered, before letting go and walking into her apartment.

When I let myself into my own place, my father was waiting for me at the table. I got a long speech that night on how we needed to stay out of other people's business and how it wasn't smart to get involved. He told me that everyone disciplined their children differently, and that it wasn't wise to interfere, even if I thought it was wrong. At the time I thought he was simply being sensible, but I recognize now that he was afraid of Jeanine. I agreed with my father though, and promised I wouldn't do it again.

That night was the first night in a week that Jeanine didn't make a visit to Cassidy's room. It felt good to feel like I protected someone else, especially someone so much younger and smaller than me. But those kinds of feelings were not ones we valued in Erudite; we weren't Abnegation, thank God.

As we got older, I listened to my father's advice avoided Cassidy as much as I could. At first she would smile and wave at me every time I'd see her in the hallway, but after years of indifference, she stopped trying and began to ignore me as much as I ignored her.

I had never done anything so hard in my life. Every time I saw her, all I could think about were her screams and tears. I hoped every day that things would get easier for her, but they never did. Cassidy started to act out as she grew up, behaving recklessly and getting into fights at school. I always wondered if the bruises she wore were from her scrimmages on the playground or her punishments at home.

Jeanine would come home from work late, furious at Cassidy for tainting the family name. She would scream herself hoarse before physically reprimanding her daughter. But Cassidy stopped crying. She would yell out in pain for hours, but the nights of crying herself to sleep were long over. She had grown tough over the years, and she was Dauntless long before she dripped her blood over those burning coals.

When Jeanine was brought up to a leadership position, the Matthews family moved away to the government apartments. I saw Cassidy the day she left, waiting impatiently for her mother to finish talking to the family moving in. She winked at me as I let myself into my apartment, and I felt myself grow red. That was the last time I saw Cas in person, well, until she pulled the same antics as Four on Choosing Day.

After Jeanine took power, Cassidy did a complete 180. She was a model student in her classes, rising to the top of the ranks in months. Where her mother avoided even acknowledging that she had a daughter before, she was now taking Cassidy to all the important Erudite functions. Cassidy Matthews soon became as much of the face of Erudite as her mother was. She was Jeanine's right hand, working side by side for all the major projects.

I would watch her during the news at night, while the reporters would brag about Erudite's latest advancements and I could hardly recognize her. She was studious, calm, and so definitively Erudite, that I almost forgot she was the same child who would sob from her nightly beatings in the room next to mine.

I still haven't worked out why someone so perfectly suited for Erudite leadership switched factions.

Her decision, however, was making my life a living hell. Even though it had been years since Cas and I were neighbors, and even longer since our night in the hallway, I still felt a protective pull towards her. So many years of hearing someone abused without any way to help can harden a person, and I was no exception.

The struggle between my desire to protect the little girl from my childhood and my need to be the apathetic Dauntless leader I've been assigned is starting to get to me. I can only be one, and I really hope I make the right decision this time.

* * *

I'm hanging out in the cafeteria for dinner when the initiates return from their trip to the fence. I'm still seething at CJ, but my anger has dulled since my recollections this morning. Still, I stand from my table and make my way to the door, unwilling to have another go with the notoriously irate transfer.

I'm distracted momentarily by a friend who grabs my shoulder and when I turn to leave from our conversation I run directly into CJ. She pushes off me and glares. "Watch it," she sneers.

She is going to be the death of me. I lift myself up to my full height and take another step towards her until we are chest to chest. I feel rather than hear the hush fall over the room. "Excuse me, initiate?" I ask.

"I said watch it, Eric," she repeats, not backing down from my intimidating stance.

I crack every knuckle in my left hand slowly, purposely. "You want to try that again, initiate?"

She shrugs. "Nope. Think I'll stick with my original statement."

Someone snickers behind me and I whip my head around to glower at them. They immediately quiet. "It's time for you to learn some respect, Cas," I whisper. Before she can respond, I grab the back of her shirt roughly and drag her out of the room. This isn't a conversation to be had in front of the entire Dauntless compound.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: In case you're a visual person like me, google image search "Buckingham Fountain at Dusk" since I can't get a link or picture to work here. That's what it looks like today, at about the time of day this scene takes place**

She struggles in vain to free herself while I haul her down hallways. "Knock it off," I growl, shaking her for a second. When I find an empty area, I toss her roughly against the wall and pace in front of her, trying to get my anger under control. I could really hurt her if I'm not careful. She, thankfully, stays quiet. For once.

Finally I turn on my heel to face her. She crosses her arms and stares up at me with contempt written all over her face. "What is your problem?" I ask, deadly calm and slow.

She shrugs. "You."

"Me?" I ask a little too loudly.

"You heard me," she responds.

I speak with clenched teeth and barely contained fury. "And why would that be?"

"Because you're a bully," she says heatedly. "You work so incredibly hard to intimidate everyone around you, loving how much they fear you. You live on their fear… and I find it disgusting."

I grind my teeth together. "I'm a Dauntless leader, that's my job."

She stares me down. "You're no better than Jeanine," she spits.

I slam my hands on either side of her head with a roar. "I am NOTHING like your mother!" I scream. Even in my anger, my heart drops when I see her flinch away from me. But she's right, I am an asshole, and her fear only feeds my ego.

"No, Eric, you're worse. You get a sense of fulfillment from hurting people. You enjoy it. You seek it out. You're actually happy to see people in pain. What Jeanine did to me was wrong, yes, but she did it as an escape. You do it as a lifestyle. You are a sickening excuse for a human being."

I can't help it. I lose control of my emotions- my rage takes over and I lift my hand to hit her. She lets out a frantic whimper and drops abruptly to her knees, arms raised about her head.

And suddenly we're kids again and I'm listening to Cas cry on the other side of my wall and I'm desperate to reach her, pushing my hands up against the wall we share.

My heart breaks into a million pieces and scatters along the stone floor. I am her mother.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, backing away. "I'm so sorry. I didn't- I didn't mean to CJ. I swear I didn't…"

When she stands, she looks embarrassed. She wipes her palms on her pants and shrugs. "It's fine. It's exactly what I would expect from you," she says quietly, refusing to meet my eyes.

"No CJ. No, I would never…" I trail off because I know I would. "CJ, let me explain," I implore, reaching out for her wrist.

"Don't you dare fucking touch me," she snarls.

I drop my hands like I burned them. "CJ… CJ… Please…" I whisper. She walks away without looking back. I lean against the wall and watch her long after she's out of my site.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I have NEVER raised my hand to a woman like that before. Yeah, I've hit girls of course, but only willing, consenting people in a strictly training situation.

I just don't know what's come over me. Whenever I'm around her, I just lose control. I can't help it; she brings out the most animalistic part of me. I have an incredibly strong desire to protect her but every time she opens her mouth, she says something so infuriating that I lose it. Why can't she just learn to shut up? She knows exactly how to push my buttons - it's like she _wants_ me to freak out on her.

See? I'm already getting mad again. I feel almost as lost and conflicted as I did when I was a kid. All I want to do is help her and keep her safe, but Dauntless ideals keeps me from her once again. I see her hurting but I have to be passive, unresponsive, and allow her to struggle through.

This is worse than when my father told me I couldn't help her anymore. I guess I'll just have to find my own way to aid my old friend.

* * *

I skip training the next day, unwilling to face CJ until it's on my own terms. I'm going to be honest though, I'm pretty excited to see her next. I thought all night about how I was going to make this up to her, and I came up with a damn good idea.

It feels great to be this excited about something again. Well, something that doesn't involve drugging my friends and forcing them to take over an entire faction. I'm eager to do something for someone else, and that's an entirely novel emotion for me. I'm not gonna lie, it's kinda awesome.

I wait outside the training room at the end of the day and it takes most of my manhood to keep from bouncing up and down with excitement. Instead I lean casually against the door with my arms folded, a scowl on my face to hide my smile.

Four keeps them pretty late today and by the time CJ emerges from the room with a crowd of friends around her, I'm starting to get a little nervous. They're walking in the other direction and don't even notice my presence until I say, "CJ, a word?"

She pauses, as do three or four of her friends. They eye her questioningly and CJ looks conflicted. I see Four stop a few feet away to watch. "Why?" she asks quietly.

I shrug. "It's important."

She licks her lips slowly, tonguing the dried blood absently as she thinks. "Okay," she finally concedes. She tells her friends she's okay and urges them to move on. Four gives me a warning look before he too walks away.

She approaches me slowly, cautiously, and it doesn't escape me the way her eyes keep darting down the hallway like she wants to run.

I smile in what I hope is a reassuring way. "It's fine CJ, I swear." She narrows her eyes but steps a bit closer and leans on the wall next to me.

"So what's up?" she asks.

I take a deep breath. "I want to apologize… for yesterday."

"You don't have to apologize," she says dully.

"I know I don't. But I want to. I want to make it up to you. Take you somewhere and you know, like, catch up." I cringe at the way I sound, awkward and uncomfortable. This being nice shit is hard.

She eyes me warily. "Where do you want to go?"

I smile for real this time. "It's a secret."

She stares at me for a long while. "Can I trust you?" she asks quietly.

My smile falters. "I don't know," I answer truthfully. "I hope so. I mean, I'm going to try." I shrug again.

She nods slowly and we go back to leaning against the same wall, looking awkwardly at our feet. Just when I think it's time for me to give up, she pushes off the wall, rubs her hand together and gives me a weak smile.

"Alright. You get one chance Eric. Okay? I'm giving you just one, single, solitary chance to make it up to me. If you step out of line for one second, we're done. Okay?" she asks sternly.

My grin is unstoppable. And apparently contagious because CJ's mouth is soon twitching. "You're not going to regret this," I say.

"That remains to be seen," she says dismally, but I can sense the elation in her voice.

"Follow me, little bull," I say happily. She gives me a weird look but turns to chase after me as I start quickly down the hallway.

It's not until we're both safely seated on the train that she starts to ask questions. "Are we going far?"

"Nope," I answer.

"Is it dangerous?"

"No."

"Is it fun?"

"I think it will be."

She leans back against the wall and ponders. "Did you bring dinner?" she asks, pointing to my backpack.

I smirk. "Maybe."

We spend most of the 30 minute train ride in silence, watching the sun set through the open doors. When I feel the train begin to slow as we enter the loop through the city, I pull CJ up to a standing position. "Have you ever jumped off at the loop before?" I ask.

"No, why?"

"It's just a little bit harder than most of the other places you've jumped before. When you land, you don't have any room to run forward, it's just a few feet of space and then a fence." She raises and eyebrow. "You'll be fine, I swear, I just wanted to warn you." I lean out the door to get my bearings and wait as our platform comes up. "Ready?" I ask excitedly, extending my hand.

She hesitates for only a moment before she takes a firm hold and turns to face the opening. I start counting.

"On three- one, two, three!"

I jump a split second before her so I land first, hitting the fence hard, but blocking her from taking the blow with my body. She ends up smashed against my chest and I can feel her breath as it rushes in and out of her lungs. My heart racing has nothing to do with the adrenaline from the jump.

She grins as she pushes off me. "That was awesome."

I smile back. "It's just getting started. Come on." I take her hand and lead her over a guardrail and down a flight of broken down stairs. I try to hide my disappointment when she shakes her hand free of mine when we reach the street. She pretends she doesn't notice.

The sun is almost gone and the streets are getting dark, but we're right next to Erudite's headquarters, so we both have pretty sure footing. We're far enough south where we can avoid most of Erudite, and I purposely steer her even further away. Instead, we cut through a park area next to Millennium where the trees have become overgrown and taken over the sidewalks. I've walked this path a hundred times but for CJ, this is all new territory. I want her to enjoy every second.

We soon come to my first destination. When we step up into the large, clear area, I can see CJ's eyes widen even in the dim light. In front of us is a massive marble fountain, over 100 feet across and 25 feet up in the air. It hasn't run since before the war, so the marble is crumbling in places, but the beauty of the fountain is undeniable. CJ smiles the first real grin I've seen all day as she slips off her shoes. The first basin is hundreds of feet across and has filled with a few inches of rainwater. She gingerly steps in and shivers a little at the cold water.

"You coming?" she calls.

The question makes me uncomfortable. Dauntless don't kick off their shoes and have fun running through rain water. My unease must show because CJ rolls her eyes and darts over to me, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the edge.

"I don't think this is a good idea…" I start, but she's already pushing me into a sitting position on the ledge and taking my boots off. "Alright, alright, I got it," I grumble, swatting her hands away and finishing the job. I roll my pants up once or twice and stand.

"Come on," she urges.

I sigh deeply but step over the edge and into the basin. I look up at her. "Happy?" I ask grumpily.

She rocks back and forth on her feet, a smirk spreading across her lips. "Kind of." Suddenly, she bends over and splashes a wave of frigid water all the way up to my chest.

I close my eyes as my mouth drops open. "I can't believe you just did that," I say slowly. She simply beams back at me. "You are in so much trouble kid," I growl. When I start after her, she squeals in delight and starts to slowly wade through the water, but I'm faster and soon have her swept up in my arms.

I warningly hold her over the water and she laughs loudly. "Don't do it!"

"I'm gonna do it!"

"Nooo!" she wails, thrashing her arms playfully. I pretend to drop her and she clings even tighter to my chest. The thought that I never want to let go scares me. "Eric, Eric," she says with a laugh. Then she does her best to sober up and put on a straight face. "Seriously, let me down." I can still see the corners of her mouth twitching.

"Hmmm…" I pretend to muse, bouncing her up and down as I carry her over to the second basin, a few feet higher and with just a bit more water. "What to do, what to do…" I smile down at her for a second before I drop her unceremoniously on her butt in the water. It splashes up over her head and she lets out an indignant screech. She looks up at me through soaking locks.

"You are so dead."

**A/N: I know this is a very weird place to end the chapter, but there's no other good break coming up. Also, the next chapter might be a few days, been very busy with work the past week **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I am SO sorry about the wait! I've been crazy busy with work. But I will hopefully be posting the next chapter soon as I'll be on vacation in a few days. This chapter is based at the Adler Planetarium and I haven't been there in like 10 years, so I'm just going on old memories and adding some things in from other planetariums I've been too. Sorry if it's not 100% accurate :D**

By the time we finish, we're both covered in disgusting rain water but I'm laughing so hard I can hardly catch my breath. We're still laughing when I drag her over to a patch of grass a little way from the fountain and start pulling out dinner from my bag. She looks at me carefully while I dig through the sandwiches and cookies I stored away.

"What?" I ask with a smile on my lips.

She shakes her head for a moment. "Nothing. You just seem so… different here. It's… kinda nice."

I shrug. "I have an image to uphold at Dauntless. Doesn't mean that's what I'm really like." I hand her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

She chews thoughtfully before finally saying, "But why?"

I send her a confused look. "Why, what?"

"Why do you have to uphold that image? Why can't you just be yourself?"

It's actually not a bad question. I sigh and lean back against a tree, eating my dinner slowly while I think. "When I came to Dauntless, I was automatically seen as this big, scary guy. It was a new feeling, it was a rush. I like the feeling of power that it gave me, so I just kind of went with it. And now it's such a huge part of who I am, that there really isn't any going back."

She nods. "I guess I can understand that. But I don't agree with it." I raise an eyebrow and she hurries to finish. "I mean I don't think you have to keep being this big, scary, tough dude that everyone is afraid of. You've made your point. You've proved your fearlessness, everyone knows you're dauntless, I don't think you have to keep pretending anymore."

"Who says I'm pretending?" I ask with a little more edge to my voice than I meant.

She smiles gently at me. "I didn't mean it like that, Eric. I'm just saying, you can be yourself and everyone will still accept you. No one would think less of you just because you're a little nicer, that's all." She places her hand momentarily on top of mine and squeezes, and I know the conversation is over.

We finish eating mostly in silence, only the occasional comment about the food passing through our lips. After I pack everything back into my bag, we sit for a moment in comfortable silence.

"Thank you for taking me here, Eric. I had a really great time," she says.

"Oh we're not done yet Miss Matthews," I say, standing and pulling her with me. She looks completely baffled.

"What do you mean? You have _more_ planned?"

I shrug again. "Yeah… I want this to be special. This is my big apology CJ." She must sense my embarrassment at the brief emotional moment because she takes my hand and squeezes it gently once more.

"Then let us continue, Mr. James," she says with mock formality.

I'm back to grinning like a little kid again as I lead her away from the fountain. I keep a firm hold of her hand, even when I feel her try to pull away. It's a half-hearted attempt, and I'm not ready to let go yet. I pull out my flashlight as we walk through the overgrown urban jungle, pointing out obstacles and helping CJ over the rougher spots on our walk.

We still have a while to go, but we chat as we walk, talking about nothing in particular. CJ has never been this far before and her eyes are wide as saucers as we walk down a deserted ten lane highway.

"Can you imagine having so many people in one place that they need this many roads?" She shakes her head in amazement.

I'm not nearly as awed as she is, but it's fun to see the excitement in her eyes. Eventually we reach a long strip of land stretching into the marsh. We walk along the edge of the raised cement lining the muck unafraid of falling in true Dauntless fashion. We soon approach a large, circular building with the customary fence surrounding it. I lead CJ around the side until I find the large gap and help her slide under. We go down a set of side stairs and I push hard on a door labelled "Employees Only."

The inside is pitch black and smells heavily of dust and mold. This building has been abandoned for years. CJ flashes her light in every direction, taking in the sights around her. I continue to pull her by the hand to our destination, but stop every time I hear her get excited about an exhibit. We pass under massive mock planets suspended from the ceiling, through children's learning areas, and through a room filled with fake computers and monitors with spacesuit designs drawn on the walls. A lot of the museum had been cleared out before the war, but a few larger pieces remain.

"I can't believe these people actually went into _space_," she says breathlessly, running her hand along a dusty model rocket. "Can you imagine?" she asks me.

I, too, run my hands along the replica rockets. "It was probably an amazing rush… I just don't understand why they spent so much time and money sending people out into nothing."

The look of astonishment on her face makes my heart melt. "For the experience, Eric. To see what's out there. To learn. Don't you ever look up at the sky and wonder what's out there?"

I'm a little confused by her question. "That's what we have books for, CJ."

She whips her head around in surprise. "Well that's not a very Dauntless answer."

I chuckle. "Yeah, I guess the Erudite in me likes to sneak out when I'm not paying attention. Come on, we have more to see. I'll bring you here some time in the day so you can see everything." I take her hand and urge her away from the exhibits and towards my grand finale.

I push through a few doors and we climb under some faded yellow tape that says, "Caution: Police." Eventually we're in a dark circular room in the center of the building with a high, domed ceiling. My excitement is easily heard in my voice when I instruct CJ to stand at the door for a minute. I feel my way around until my flashlight lands on the generator. It takes a little time, but I soon have it running and low, red lights light up along the walls. In the center of the room is a huge telescope.

"Oh wow!" CJ exclaims, rushing over to examine it. I smile at her and continue my ministrations, getting the telescope ready. "Wait, are we going to _use_ this?" she asks, incredulously.

"Obviously," I joke.

She continues to run her hand over the machine as she watches me move about the room.

"How are we going to see anything from inside the building?" she finally asks, quietly. I look up for a moment to see her staring curiously at the ceiling.

"You'll see," I answer vaguely.

"I hate when you're so abstract," she mutters, more to herself than to me. I grin as I finish up working on the telescope. Finally I step back and motion for her to follow my lead.

"Ready?" I ask.

"Uh… I guess so…" she answers searchingly.

My smile is so wide my cheeks are getting sore. I reach behind her and press a switch and a loud groaning sound comes from the ceiling. At first, CJ jumps and puts her hands over her ears, but soon she is staring up in astonishment as the ceiling starts to move away, revealing a perfect night sky.

"Holy shit," she says loudly. "How did you know how to do that?"

"My parents were assigned research here when I was younger. When I wasn't in school, I would beg to come with them so I could play with all the cool exhibits. If something big was happening, like a meteor shower or if they had a big deadline coming up, they would both want to be here at night, so they would drag my brother and I with them. I spent countless nights falling asleep under the stars, listening to my parents discuss the mysteries of the Universe." I smile fondly at the memory.

CJ is staring at me with a mix of admiration and envy. I scratch the back of my neck in unease. "Anyway, I thought you might like to see the stars close up, instead of just the pictures we saw in books."

She grins widely. "I would love that Eric."

I dig through a few boxes of research piled next to the telescope and my heart aches thinking of how long it's been since I'd been here with my parents. Their assignment changed the year before my Choosing Ceremony, but I had long been "too cool" to come with them on their trips to the telescope. After I joined Dauntless, this became my secret place to remember them, the only place I allowed myself to feel a little homesick.

When I retrieve the proper binder, I press a few coordinates into the panel on the telescope and step back as it starts to move itself. CJ is beside herself with delight and I can't help but laugh at her childlike thrill. I remember the first time my parents showed me the telescope could "think" on its own, and how impressed I was. It's fun to watch it through another's eyes.

The telescope stops moving and I motion CJ over to look through the eyepiece after I've ensured it's in the right position.

"Oh my," she breathes. She doesn't speak for so long after that tiny whisper that I worry she might have fallen asleep with her eye pressed to the telescope. After a solid six or seven minutes, she leans back and sighs deeply. I smile at her while she shakes her head in disbelief.

"Eric… this is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. I can't even begin to thank you."

My heart swells at the sincere words. "Does that mean I'm forgiven?"

She grins. "You are forgiven and so much more."

We spend the next hour or so punching in new coordinates and observing far away stars and planets. I don't think the smile leaves CJ's face once the whole time.

When we tire of the telescope, we sit back on a few blankets I pulled from a box tucked away in a closet and watch the stars from afar. The blankets still smell like my parents, even after all these years. I hold her hand again, but this time it's comfortable. I brush my thumb back and forth over her hand and revel in the butterflies rising in my stomach. It's crazy how such a small action can make me so tense. I haven't felt this nervous since my fight with Four during our initiation.

I worry for a moment when she pulls her hand out of mine, but instead of pulling away, she rearranges herself so that her head rests on my chest. My heart is beating so fast I'm afraid she can hear it. I clear my throat and shift under her, my hands resting behind my head. I could sit like this for hours.

"Can I ask you something?" she asks quietly.

I nod before I realize she can't see me. "Yeah," I answer, my voice gruff.

She's quiet for a while. "Why did you stop talking to me? When we were kids, I mean."

I've been waiting for this question, but it doesn't mean I'm any more ready for it. "My dad told me I wasn't allowed to interfere with you and Jeanine anymore. I- I didn't want to, but he's my dad and I was young…" I trail off.

"No, it's fine. Really. I get it. I just always wondered why all of a sudden you just stopped." I watch her from under my lashes as she fidgets with the bottom of her shirt. She's nervous. "Did you… hear?" she asks uncomfortably. I take a deep breath.

"Yes."

She bites her lip and closes her eyes. "How much?"

I don't want to answer. I don't want her to know that I witnessed her suffering every night and didn't do anything. I don't want her to hate me as much as I hate myself.

"How much, Eric?" she probes.

"All of it."

She sucks her breath in quickly like she just got burned. I think I've made a horrible mistake. But instead of pulling away in disgust, she turns on her side so she can look at me and lays her hand on my chest.

"I'm so sorry you had to hear that," she says softly, sincerely.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Alright! I'm on vacation this week so you all get 2 chapters in 2 days! yaaaaaay! I'll try to update when I get home :) And thank you SO much for the comments, they really make my day! **

I sit up so fast that CJ is startled and bounces back a bit.

"What?" I ask, incredulous.

She looks confused. "What do you mean Eric? What's wrong?"

"Did you just apologize to _me_ for what happened to _you_ as a child? Are you serious?"

She shrugs and looks uncomfortable. "It's not fair that you had to deal with that. You were young, you shouldn't have had to go through all of it."

I feel like someone is squeezing my heart. I reach my hands up and cup her cheeks but she still looks away. "Hey," I say quietly. "Look at me." I wait until her eyes connect with mine before I speak to her, slowly but with force. "You are not allowed to apologize for what that bitch did to you, do you understand?" She bites her lip so I repeat, "Do you understand?"

"Yeah, yeah I guess."

I narrow my eyes. "This isn't an 'I guess' kind of answer, CJ. I never want to hear you apologize for that again, okay? Or I'm going to hang you by your toes over the chasm alright?" I say with a smile.

She grins back. "Alright fine." She laughs a little. I keep my hands on her face too long and I see her eyes flick to my lips. Should I do it? My heart is racing. This is a step I can't go back from. Less than 24 hours ago she was screaming about how much she hated me; has that much changed?

I steel my nerves for a second and lick my lips. As I start to lean in, I study her closely, waiting to see if she's going to scream or slap me. When her eyes flutter close, I almost cheer out loud. I close the last two inches and our lips meet. CJ's lips are chapped, and still a little caked over with dried blood, but this is still the best kiss I've ever had.

It only lasts a few seconds; a gentle, chaste kiss on the lips. I pull away and drop my hands, waiting for CJ to yell. But she just opens her eyes, and smiles. Without saying a word, she pushes me onto my back and she lays her head on my chest again, this time entwining our fingers together.

I'm shocked at my good luck. After everything I've done to CJ, I can't believe she let me kiss her!

I don't know if I've ever felt as content as I do at this moment.

We lay there long into the night, chatting about everything and anything. CJ tells me a bit more about herself, how her mom rose to power under some very seedy circumstances, her profound hatred for all things Erudite, and her love for her new faction. I notice she doesn't talk at all about her later years when she seemed to accept her role as a future Erudite leader and I'm curious what made her make that turnaround.

Eventually, I find the courage to ask.

"So after Jeanine took power, you seemed to really start to love Erudite. I remember, you got really great in school and Jeanine was bringing you everywhere... I used to watch you on the news at night, and I was so surprised that you made such a turnaround." I pause, and glance down. CJ has stiffened at my inquiry, and I'm not sure why. "Hey," I ask, nudging her gently. "I didn't mean to bring up a bad memory, I was just curious why you left when you had such a great future there is all."

She sighs and turns on her stomach to look up at me. Her eyes are bright in the moonlight as she studies me. I wait patiently for her to decide if she can trust me or not. I think it's strange that she's so worried about telling me this when she's been so open about everything else. She puts her hand on my chest and plays with a button there.

"It's okay CJ, you don't have to tell me, I didn't mean to pry." I'm trying really freaking hard at this whole "being compassionate" thing.

She seems to make her decision and takes a deep breath. I smile encouragingly at her. "It's not that I don't want to tell you, I mean, I'm not allowed to tell you, obviously," she pauses and I wonder why it's so obvious. "I just don't remember is all."

I raise an eyebrow. "What don't you remember?" I ask, hesitantly.

She shrugs and becomes suddenly very interested in the button on my shirt. "Most of it." She risks a glance up at me before continuing. "When Jeanine took power, she couldn't have me screwing up her image any more. So the morning after we moved, she took me to the medical center. She didn't really tell me anything, just that I had to go. I knew something was wrong, I knew I should have like, I don't know, run away or something." She laughs a little. "But I went, pouting the whole way. I remember this look she gave me as she settled me in the chair, and it was just pure hatred and disappointment all mixed in those horribly cold eyes of hers. And she pursed her lips, and said, 'You better hope this works, or else I'm going to have to take more drastic measures.' The last thing I remember is thinking, what the hell does drastic measures mean? And then there was a sharp pain in my neck. And my world went dark."

I'm hardly breathing I'm so invested in the story.

She continues after a moment. "There were bits and pieces I remember…. There were even moments where I felt like I had full clarity, but my mo-" she pauses, "Jeanine, she always seemed to know. And she'd shoot me again and I'd lose it. I still don't even know everything I did under the serum, honestly. And it went for years like this, Eric." She looks up at me and I'm shocked to see that her eyes are a little wet. "She took four years from me."

"I'm so sorry," I say honestly.

"Yeah, me too." She looks back down and settles into playing with my buttons again.

"So, if Jeanine was controlling you all this time, how did you get out? I'm sure she wouldn't have programmed you to pick a different faction."

She smiles. "Yeah, that took a lot of time to plan. As the years went on, I got a better feel for when the serums would start to fade out. But then Jeanine would find a new mixture and it would last even longer. Every new serum they had, Jeanine would drag me into the medical center, eyes alight with excitement, all enthusiastic to try out the brand new serum on her daughter… it was sick. But I was getting better at not only feeling when they were going to end but… uh…"

Her hesitation worries me. She looks up at me again and the concern must show on my face because she starts fidgeting even more.

"What happened Ceej?" I ask gently.

She bites her lip. "I started to be able to… kind of like…" she stutters a bit and takes a deep breath before restarting. "After about three years, I figured out how to like… stay awake in the simulations."

My heart drops so fast I swear I can feel it run through my stomach. I sit up quickly again, and stand to my feet. CJ leans back and keeps her eyes on her hands as she plays with her shirt. I start pacing back and forth.

"You're telling me you're a DIVERGENT?" I shout, trying my best to keep my anger and fear under control.

CJ flinches at my shout. "I'm not divergent, Eric," she says quietly.

"Yeah, yeah you are! You're telling me you were _awake_ during a simulation. That is almost the definition of being divergent CJ!" I run my hands through my hair. "Why would you tell me this?" I ask, the heartbreak evident in my voice.

"Because I'm not divergent Eric!" she says again.

"What?" I ask, stopping abruptly.

"I'm not a divergent," she says, emphasizing each word.

I blink at her. "But you just said…" I trail off.

"I said I _learned_ how to control the simulations. And it took me almost four years to do it. I'm no different than anyone else, I'm just the only one who has even been under simulation for that long."

Oh. Well that makes a little more sense. I sit back down and stare at her. "I don't completely understand. You're saying… you were under simulation for so long, that you eventually learned how to… to control yourself?" I'm not trying to be mean, I'm sincerely just trying to understand.

"I don't entirely know what it was Eric. I was blacked out, like I usually was, and I remember thinking, for just a second, wait, this isn't right. And it was gone. But then, a little while later, I thought it again. And again, and again. And eventually, I was fully aware of what was going on around me. I still couldn't do anything about it, but at least I knew was happening. So that was, like the first step I guess. A few more months went by, and I knew it was a few months because I could tell the passage of time now, but I still couldn't control anything I was doing. It was pure torture. It was the worst torture I could imagine, Eric." She shakes her head slowly as she remembers. "I was doing all these things, sometimes these really, awful things, and I couldn't stop. I had no control over it. It was like being a paraplegic but worse." She laughs bitterly. "Every minute I was screaming in my head for help, but no one could hear me. I don't think anyone could ever do anything to me that would be as bad as those few months."

The guilt I'm feeling right now, is strangling me.

"So anyway, I kept going, kept pushing because I knew it had to get better. I had to figure something out because I was going to lose my mind if I didn't. Jeanine kept giving me these looks though, like she knew. Kept checking her computers and my vitals and the reports, but I guess nothing came back wrong, because she just kept going with her routine. She was so different to me during that time. Now that she could control me entirely, she stopped… you know, having to do those awful things. She treated me like a human being. She almost treated me like her daughter. It was… kind of nice actually. But then she would force me to do another terrible thing," she says.

"Like one day she brought in a bunch of factionless kids… _Kids_ Eric. Just these little children, no more than 8 or 9 years old. I didn't even know there were factionless kids, but there they were in my lab. She told me she wanted to try the new serum to make sure it worked on children, but she didn't want to risk any important lives. I was so disgusted when she said that, that I was glad I was under stimulation because I wouldn't have been able to keep the sickened look off my face. She injected three kids with the serum and we went behind the mirror and watched." Her face is pale as she stares away, the revulsion and guilt written all over her features. "She had them kill each other. And I had to watch. I took _notes_ for fuck's sake." She shakes her head sadly. "I thought there was no way she could ever hurt me anymore than she already had, but that moment, was by far the worst of my life. And all I could do was watch. And nod like the perfect fucking little scientist she made me into. Making comments about this kids reaction or another's. It- It was horrific."

She pauses to catch her breath, which had started to become erratic as she spoke. As she calms herself, she stands and takes both my hands in hers. "Look at me Eric." I don't want to meet her eyes. I don't want to see the hurt this project I'm so invested in has caused her. I don't know if I can handle it becoming… real.

"Eric," she demands again. I drag my eyes to meet hers. "I need you to understand this."

I'm confused. "Why?" I ask.

She bites her lip and looks momentarily conflicted. "The 'why' doesn't matter," she responds.

"Uh… yeah, it does. Why does it matter so much to you?" I'm getting suspicious and my paranoia that she knows what I'm doing is starting to creep in. What is her agenda here?

She smiles gently and runs her hand down my face. "Eric, it's nothing. I just- I just want you to understand where I'm coming from. I want you to know why I chose Dauntless is all."

This doesn't sound right. Does she know? She can't, right? But why is she so insistent that I hear what she's saying? "CJ… what's going on?"

She pulls herself closer to me. "Eric, just trust me. Nothing is going on, I swear. I'm just telling my story, and I think you should know."

When I don't answer, she puts her hands on my chest. She stands on her tippy toes to reach me and places a small kiss on my lips. "Trust me, Eric."

And I don't know why, but I do.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Yay! I'm back from vacation! And what a wonderful break it's been. Again, thank you for the comments, I love reading them! Enjoy the chapter (I know it's a little short, but I'll be updating soon) and be warned that there's a little bit of a more mature theme coming in.**

* * *

We walk back to the train hand-in-hand, the wind from off the marsh whipping our faces and turning our cheeks bright pink. I'm quiet as I walk, still mulling over everything CJ revealed to me today. I see her casting me sideways looks, concern evident on her wrinkled brow but I make no effort to relieve her of her worry.

When we arrive at the station, I help her over the gate and stand with my back against the wood panels while we wait for the train. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before looking down at CJ who is, once again, eyeing me with slight apprehension.

"You alright?" she asks quietly.

I shrug. There's so much racing through my exhausted mind that I'm having trouble concentrating on any one thing.

"Did I do something wrong?" she continues.

"No, of course not," I answer, distracted. How can I admit my suspicions of her own suspicions of me without making her… suspicious? I'm so confused.

She wrinkles her nose in disbelief but instead of continuing her questioning, she once again reaches up and kisses me gently on the lips. I've never been really good with the "gentleness" of a relationship, but even I have to admit, this is kind of nice.

When she runs her hands up my chest and around my shoulders to connect behind my head, my misgivings start to fade.

After she pulls the back of my head down to deepen the kiss, my mistrust is almost gone.

By the time she softly moans, "Oh Eric," in my ear, I've forgotten what I was worried about in the first place.

My hands are resting in the small of her back, pulling her slight frame into my much larger one when I hear the rumble of the oncoming train. I reluctantly detach from the breathless CJ and grin when I see her devilish smile. She bounces on the balls of her feet next to me while we wait, both of us anxious to continue and irritated at the interruption.

I jump on first, and CJ follows very close behind, taking only a second to regain her balance before her eyes catch mine, and she literally SLAMS me into the wall of the moving train. I land with a grunt that is immediately swallowed up by CJ's lips on my own. Her hands twist through my hair, the sometimes-not-so-gentle tugging driving me absolutely wild.

Eventually I catch my opportunity to switch around so I have CJ pinned up against the wall, my hips pushing into hers to keep her steady, my hands on either side of her head. This seems to becoming a bit of a reoccurring stance for us. I smile lasciviously down at her and whisper huskily in her ear, "In a fight for control, I'll always win, Little Bull."

She grins innocently back at me but responds, "Don't be so sure about that," before crashing her lips into mine again.

I'm a little surprised when I feel her hands on my chest, slowly unbuttoning my shirt without disrupting our now slightly more feverish kiss. She pushes the fabric away from my shoulders and runs her hands under my black wife beater. I can't help it, I actually shiver. I feel her teeth against mine as she smiles into my mouth. With a growl I sweep her legs from under her but lower her slowly to the ground.

Her giggle catches me off guard.

"What?" I ask, breathing heavily.

She rolls her eyes at me. "Even in the 'throes of passion,'" she says with a purposeful dramatic flair, "you still remember your training."

I can't help but smile back at her. "But it was kinda hot though, wasn't it?"

She bites her lip seductively and nods. "Very."

I lay my weight carefully on her and break our makeout only long enough for her to pull my shirt over my head. I love feeling her hands run over my taught muscles, and in that moment, I'm very glad I've spent so much time training over these past few years.

I'm kissing down her neck a few moments later when suddenly I feel my world spin around. For a split second, I think the train has fallen off the track, but when I look up, a wide-grinned CJ is staring down at me.

"Holy shit, did you just sweep me?" I ask her incredulously. She only raises a challenging eyebrow from above her Cheshire-grin lips. "Jesus that's hot," I mumble, running my hands up and down her sides.

She laughs lightly before crossing her arms and lifting her shirt over her head. She tosses it to the side carelessly. I'm in awe of her beautiful body. Her eyes close as I run my hands up her bare stomach and sides; I'm amazed at how small she appears under my massive hands.

I reach around to her back to the clasp of her bra and wait until she opens her eyes before I continue. She gives an almost imperceptible nod before I too am tossing aside pieces of her clothing. When she leans down and presses her bare skin against mine, I'm momentarily so stunned with the way my night as turned out, that I don't notice her lips trailing down my neck until there's a sharp sting on my nipple.

"JESUS CJ!" I shout. "Did you just bite my nipple?" She laughs at my astounded outburst and runs her hands soothingly up and down my chest.

"I'm not as delicate as you seem to think I am, Eric. This isn't exactly my first time," she says with a smirk.

Oh shit, she thinks we're about to have sex. "Wait," I say, cautiously. "Are you sure you want to do this Ceej?"

"Eric," she says again. "I'm not some little sheltered princess you need to take care of! Stop trying to protect me and fuck me already dammit." Her face is so serious and frustrated I have to fight not to laugh.

Instead of answering, I sit up so she's sitting in my lap, her legs wrapped around my back and kiss her deeply.

I wait until I feel her lean back after unbuttoning and unzipping my jeans to bend a leg behind me, grab her around the back, and once again, flip her so she's trapped on the bottom.

"That's not fair, you're bigger than me," she says petulantly.

I'm reminded of the first time she said that to me, and I want to say something snarky back, but instead I shrug and say, "If we're doing this, YOU don't get to be on top."

She pretends to pout for a second while I kick my pants off but I think she's accepted her inevitable positioning because she too is wriggling out of her training pants. Oh fuck, she's not wearing underwear.

This girl, is going to kill me.

* * *

I'm not sure I can call what we just did "making love."

It was rough, and a little frantic. Jagged fingernails leaving red streaks down sweaty backs. Hair whipping uncontrollably, laughably, from the wind rushing through wide open doors. Bumps in the tracks leaving us giggling, and a little bruised, from our occasional tumbling. Let me tell you, having sex in a moving train is NOT easy.

But I feel like calling it "fucking" takes away from the sensual parts of it. The hitched breaths, quiet moans, eyes closed in a lasting, gentle kiss…

So I'm just not going to call it anything, and refer to it as "the incident" in my head. Let CJ figure out the proper wording. That girl does have a way with words.

"Good fucking job," she compliments as I roll off her and lay, still panting, at her side. "That was fucking awesome."

I raise an eyebrow at her, but she continues to look at the ceiling of the train, a small clump of hair plastered against her sweaty forehead. Like I said, she's got a way with words.

I sigh and clasp my hands behind my head while I try to catch my breath, but I catch a glimpse out the door and realize that the compound is coming up fast.

"Shit CJ," I call, sitting up and grabbing for clothes.

"What?" she asks, alarmed.

"We've got like 30 seconds before we gotta jump."

"Well fuck," she groans, reaching around the dark cavern for shoes, a sock there, and fuck, fuck, fuck, where is my shirt?

We end up jumping half dressed, me cutting my feet up as I land with only one shoe, and CJ wearing my shirt since hers got ripped out the door somewhere down the tracks.

We creep along back hallways and hide our snickers as we sneak through Dauntless. I walk CJ to the initiate dorm and pause, my hands clasping hers. She reaches up and kisses me, just one, quick, chaste kiss before she winks, and slips in the door. And that's how our night ends.

I stare after her for a moment and hear a sleepy-voiced girl ask, "CJ? Where have you been? Whose shirt are you wearing?"

I smile when I hear her respond, "Shut up and go back to sleep, Christina."


End file.
